Long Deep Breaths and an Infinity of Staring Out of The Window

Yes, something has changed since here I am writing about him, about myself, behind his back. If he had done so, I should have felt betrayed. Each of us used to be able to see entirely into the other.

Simone de Beauvoir, The Woman Destroyed (1967)

I wish the universe would just take you away. Take you to a far, far dimension where love does not exist and where I will never get to see you again. I wish the universe would just take you away. I cannot bear to see you anymore.

Those deep brown eyes that once saw me; those rough tangled hair I used to brush when I am in the mood for child’s play, silly child’s playthose lips full of flowering words which spoke to me in my demise and brought me back to existence.

Those smiles that belonged to me once upon a sunny day in July, the smiles that lingered in my head for days and weeks and months enough to bring me into such a state of heartfelt intoxication; those hands that once laid upon my fragile skin and held me to safety; those shoulders that once sheltered me from the pouring rain—and your arms, your soft strong arms, surprisingly soft for such a man as you are—your arms embraced me with a kind of warmth that nearly burned my arctic soul.

You never promised anything but each time we part, I was always hoping that when I get to see you again, it would be as magical as what we have had. I regret it too much. I regret the love I was too foolish to expect from you and how I wish I could simply turn back the hands of time and make myself un-love you.

I regret the fact that I let myself love you this much when it was only I who loved all along.  I wish I knew what you wanted right from the very start, so that I would just give you that and get over this whole thing. It was one hell of a make-believe reality you have put right there and thank you, thank you very much for making me believe that it will be a happy-ever-after for the two of us when it was only me, me and my cheated heart, who existed all along.

Where were you all those times? Where were you when we walked along Magsaysay Boulevard and told me that you disagree with my opinions? Where were you when we cuddled side by side in the cinema and ate Caesar salad in the dark? Where were you when you took the cup of strawberry sundae in my hand and smiled sheepishly at me like a young innocent child, unknown to the world and indifferent to people but me.

Where were you when you looked at me in the eyes, your stare screaming with sympathy, and told me that no one truly understands you? Where were you when you said that you will always be there, that we will soar together in brightness all throughout our college days?

Now when I look at you I see someone else, a part of you I have never seen during our time together. I guess, with all painful exactitude, that I wasn’t looking enough, hard enough, to recognize the delusion that was in front of me. I never knew or never even realized that behind those smiles, behind the soft sweet words and behind the memories long forgotten with time, is someone who never really wanted me, who only saw me as someone good enough for company to be with on Tuesday evenings and to be without when someone else is there to take my place.

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