ロンリネス

It’s been so long since the last time I reached out to you and I really don’t know why I’m doing this now. All I know is that I had a dream last night, a weird funny dream I say. I dreamed I was in front of a computer typing down a letter to you. I couldn’t remember what the letter was about or why I wrote one. But nonetheless when I woke up I decided to put such a dream to its material existence. So here I am—typing this letter to you—so I can look back to last night’s impression and not think of it as a dream anymore.

First of all, I am sorry. I’m sorry for leaving you like that. I didn’t mean to walk away without providing you with enough explanations. But I was sick. I’ve had thoughts in my head I couldn’t exactly communicate with other people, especially people like you who are very kind and generous and good-hearted. I didn’t want to harm you with my self-destructive thoughts nor to even feel sorry for me for what I was going through. I didn’t deserve anybody’s sympathy because I was vile and selfish and ungrateful. I tried to stay with you but I could not bear the idea of my parasitic inclinations, of me sucking out every good part of your beautiful heart. You didn’t need a part in my loneliness.I know you have had enough.

But what I had when I was with you was truly an adventure. I had fun making appointments in Makati and BGC. I had fun meeting up with condo agents and touring around those goddamn expensive skyscrapers. Even the food brings out a lot of memories. I remember when we ate out, the three of us —you, me, and A, at Teriyaki Boy and we had the pleasure of indulging ourselves on Japanese food. I remember laughing at A because she was so full she looked like a balloon that would pop out anytime. I miss her.

Anyways, thanks a lot for everything. I mean, you’ve been such a good friend. I may not be able to repay the kindness you’ve showed upon me but I will always be grateful. You remember the time when we exchanged messages on Facebook and I told you I’d push you from the top of RCBC Tower then I’d rescue you when you fall? It turned out to be the other way around.I look back and realize that you were the one who did all the ‘superhero’ stuff while I sit around the corner playing the proverbial ‘damsel in distress’. But right now, as tragic as I could put it, I am nowhere near salvation. Maybe that is why I am writing this letter to you —that if I will completely lose myself in this struggle, then, at the very least, I have the chance to let you know that I didn’t leave just because I wanted to, or that because I was the irrational, spoiled-brat, teenager who would do anything on a whim. I left because, like so many other humans on the planet, I too was trying to find myself out there.

I wish the best for you. Roar like the ferocious black wolf and I will hear you out wherever I am.

P.S.
I’ve been digging into some Japanese Literature these days. There’s something about Japanese Lit that reminds me of you sitting on a wooden mat, legs folded, eyes closed and in deep meditation as you slowly and calmly shut the world from the outside until there was nothing left but the silence of your self and your slow quiet breathing.

I’m sorry.

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