Allow me to rant.
Allow me to expunge the toxicity of my inapparent procrastination. Allow me to extinguish the annihilating feeling of not being able to accomplish anything for the past two weeks or so. Allow me to murder this blasphemous thirst for somebody’s attention, this dark wretched desire to mingle with the people from the outside world, because seriously, that’s way too pathetic. Allow me to breathe just once, just this once, because today that is all I ever need.
The truth is I have been juggling this stubborn procrastination thing in my hand for the past few weeks now. I have been feeling so inactive and uninspired, as if every faculty of my brain have been switched off. Every inch of my self have been covered with this filthy sluggish slime of chaos and confusion, every piece of me have been dead,
I’d like to blame January for the hellish way it presented itself to me as a sort of a mad greeting to jump-start the year. When I looked back at last month’s events I could only let out a deep exhausted sigh because seriously it was neurotically mind-blowing. Term papers here and there, topic reports and surprise quizzes, not to mention mid-term exams that really made college life a living hell, however cliché it may sound. Imagine all of it crammed up in January like a mackerel in a tin can, like a ticking time bomb in somebody’s back pocket. Just when everything is too unbearable, people will tell you things you don’t really need to hear, unsolicited remarks from unsolicited people about how to survive college, how to handle breakdowns and break-outs, how to pull yourself together when a professor decided you deserve a 5.0 in an exam you sweated blood for, like I really don’t know what to do and how to handle things when most of my time, given that there are only 24 hours in a day, I play the ever stereotyped role of a college student.
But please don’t get me wrong. I appreciate people like that who take time to let you know that ” you’re not the only one who experience severe mental anguish in college. Everybody does.” But I don’t like their being too pushy about everything as if you don’t know a single thing about how the universe works. I mean I was not born yesterday, for crying out loud. I know how to handle things myself just as I know how to breathe on my own. I’ve been accustomed to eye bags and bad hair days. Most days, I feel so awful that looking in front of a mirror becomes quite a chore. I know college is not Disneyland. I know professors can be deadly sometimes (well, most of the time) and flunk you out. But then I know how to accept with honest maturity that a failing grade does not define who you are outside the academe.
But I’m not here to complain about what’s already been done. What has happened is eternally irretrievable. How the month of January had drained every iota of my energy now seems to take its toll on me, which is not really helpful given the fact that there are term papers and exams coming up. The oral defense in ENGL1023 we were supposed to have last Monday was re-scheduled for next week which only prolonged the mental war in my head. Honestly, I’m supposed to be out of the world wide web hours ago because I still have to do my Logic homework and to prepare for a bloody exam tomorrow. An oh, there’s still my term paper that needs to be re-done for the thousandth time and the pile of my philosophy readings that are yet to be read. Even Dostoevsky’s been waiting on the shelf for almost a month now. But instead of getting the work done I, instead, have been spending hours in front on the computer and ranting and ranting and ranting my thoughts away.
Talk about procrastination.
I sort of hate the atmosphere at school these days. I mean, all the reconstructions and the renovations makes me feel more and more disenchanted. The sickly smell of fresh paint, the newly lighted rooms, the sound of construction machines that speak to us about a university that will soon be new and beautiful. But no, I’d still go for the old one. I even purposely skipped my class yesterday just so I could give myself a room for breathing. As much as I wanted to attend the PCP seminar yesterday I opted instead to stay at home all day. I didn’t even feel like meeting people. The thought of them just saddens me. When I thought about going there I could only picture myself going there alone. I know I am missing out a lot on school lately. I have been avoiding even the closest people in class, returning a casual smile or a simple nod whenever they want to spark up a conversation. I have been spending most of my time alone. It sound like an anti-social tendency of some sort but seriously, it’s not. I enjoy this self-inflicted solitude as much as I hate it. There is no knowing, I guess, of its difference.
It was a good thing, though, that I was able to go out last night when a friend asked out for some company. It was almost 6:30 pm and the streets of Manila were already brimming with the rush of the passing vehicles. It felt good to be able to blend with the lively hours of the evening. I somehow felt alive. We met up in SM North EDSA at around 7pm and killed time talking about everything under the sun. At around 9:30 pm, we moved to a simple Chinese resto somewhere in West Avenue and stayed there until midnight. Somewhere between the conversation I spoke to him about giving up Philosophy. It wasn’t serious and I didn’t intend to elaborate much than a simple understatement of my wish to leave the program. When I went home a little after midnight I recalled the words I said to him and realized to myself that this deep dark longing to leave and move some place else have been, little by little, finding its way out to be spoken and heard and I wondered if this was all in my head or if this was all that I have ever been wanting to do.
Well, so much for a rant.