To You Who Knew

I.

Perhaps we were wrong
to test our hearts of their limits
thinking they can withstand
the wickedness of this game
And when I tell you love
perhaps it was a mistake
on my part
to wait for an answer

From where I stand you are
only a thousand light-years away
I count the distance like
I would count the years
And I realize if you multiply
ten by itself, then by a hundred
then by a thousand, by a million
What we would have at the end of the equation
is the product of our lost and wasted time
when we once believed, fooled ourselves
that we were right for each other,
or when we thought we knew
how to love when
the truth is we were
incapable

And if I multiply my apologies
in order to make up for every damage
What we would have is an infinite
remainder of our memories together,
beginning from the first time I saw you: 
white bleary lights, your veiny hands,
the way you hold the guitar like you would
hold my heart, 
thinking you’d be a good replacement
because you consented to, because that is all
you had ever been to me,
up to this very moment I’m inking these thoughts
knowing the past four years of our lives were
an extravagant mistake only
fools like us could afford, or acknowledge

From where I stand you are
only ten steps away
I count these numbers
as a kind of practice
a method, a scheme
This is how you eliminate someone from the equation
This is how you erase someone from you life
Begin by counting from ten, nine, eight
up to the beginning of the end.
The trick is to keep your eyes closed

II.

10
I look longingly
at the wordless image
of your sandy, messy hair

9
And I remember what it smell like
once upon a December evening
you were mine

8
I burn madly at the sight of
your godless golden skin

7
And I know if I dare touch
I would dissolve in ashes, crystals

6
I lurch forward
waiting for your hands

5
But you had your hands
cut off since
the beginning of time

4
I was cruel, wasn’t I?

3
But I did love you
with all I ever had
even if that love was forced
fabricated

2
And I did love you
when I looked at you and thought
what kind of creators we were
for crafting a section in the universe
and calling it our own
And when you looked at me in the eyes and
said you’ll teach me how to dance

1
You were right.
Words do fail, and
love is dead.
But you said you’ll never let me go.

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