Wander Weekly 02: A Tour Inside My Head

For the longest time in my blogging venture, I have never felt the urge to post any of those “life update” entries where people share the latest stories about their life, mostly because I believe that I do not owe anybody an explanation for my life and that nobody really cares about what’s really going on.

But then again, I realize that this is exactly the point of this blog: to write and to share what’s going on inside my head even if there is no one out there in the world who would even care to read these words or to bat an eyelash when I scream for help.

I am at a loss for words again. Weekends always have this strange effect on me. Like I am stoned and wasted or anything close to that effect, and my blood is running on nothing but ten million micrograms of LSD.

I initially started this post with the intention of sharing just how terribly sick I am of my year-long reading rut and how I wish I could just snap out of it at will. But somewhere along the lines, I went completely blank and forgot what I really wanted to write about, and was only left with this sinking spinning feeling that everything is empty here.

And when I looked at that little corner of my room where all my books are tucked safely inside wooden bookcases, I only felt an even heavier sense of isolation from the fact that I have abandoned them too, along with all the stories and the chapters and the characters I once loved deeply with all the love I can muster in the world.

What tragedy it is to lose the best versions of ourselves? What kind of a beast have I become?

Today I picked up one of my old favorite novels, in an attempt to finally break free from the drought. I carefully flipped through the yellowing pages of the paperback as if getting to know an old familiar friend all over again. I skimmed the sentences as if searching for truth, and found instead a part of my self that was buried deep between the pages of my favorite books.

I wanted to mourn but instead I let out a fractured laugh almost unconsciously. I realized right then and there how badly I want my old self back, how I want everyone back.


2 thoughts on “Wander Weekly 02: A Tour Inside My Head

  1. Hey, you are not alone going through this. Many people do, including me.

    I also feel lonely and left out on weekends, when most of my friends are going out and having fun. It is not that I don’t want to, but I just want to do it with someone who resonates with me, which I haven’t found yet. But, what else can we do, just wait for the right people to come in our life. Books sure are good friends, but at the end of the day, they can’t be a replacement for a human companion.

    Just try to explore more, meet with new people, and most of all, don’t be sad! Even though I too am a victim of this situation, but still fight till your last breath!

    It’s good that you shared your feelings with us all.
    Stay happy 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Maybe that’s the problem. When you spend all your life wishing books can replace people, and words can substitute for whatever human interaction you are supposed to engage in, and then realizing in the end that none of them make sense because you still wish to burst through the door, and out in the world, and see the faces of the people you once knew.

      Maybe this is just one of those phases I’ll get over with soon. But thank you, really. Your comment brings light to this foggy situation.

      Liked by 3 people

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