For the longest time in my blogging venture, I have never felt the urge to post any of those “life update” entries where people share the latest stories about their life, mostly because I believe that I do not owe anybody an explanation for my life and that nobody really cares about what’s really going on.
But then again, I realize that this is exactly the point of this blog: to write and to share what’s going on inside my head even if there is no one out there in the world who would even care to read these words or to bat an eyelash when I scream for help.
I am at a loss for words again. Weekends always have this strange effect on me. Like I am stoned and wasted or anything close to that effect, and my blood is running on nothing but ten million ounces of LSD.
I initially started this post with the intention of sharing just how terribly sick I am of my year-long reading rut and how I wish I could just snap out of it at will. But somewhere along the lines, I went completely blank and forgot what I really wanted to write about, and was only left with this sinking spinning feeling that everything is empty here.
And when I looked at that little corner of my room where all my books are tucked safely inside wooden bookcases, I only felt an even heavier sense of isolation from the fact that I have abandoned them too, along with all the stories and the chapters and the characters I once loved deeply with all the love I can muster in the world.
What tragedy it is to lose the best versions of ourselves? What kind of a beast have I become?
Today I picked up one of my old favorite novels, in an attempt to finally break free from the drought. I carefully flipped through the yellowing pages of the paperback as if getting to know an old familiar friend all over again. I skimmed the sentences as if searching for truth, and found instead a part of my self that was buried deep between the pages of my favorite books.
I wanted to mourn but instead I let out a fractured laugh almost unconsciously. I realized right then and there how badly I want my old self back, how I want everyone back.